The question to define love is asked so often that it has almost become a cliché in today's culture. The biggest problem is that it can have so many definitions and there are many situations where we apply the word or concept of love. It is also one of our most powerful emotions and inspires acts of great courage or great stupidity. I have personally always been fascinated by the concept, and always enjoy learning more about it.
Ancient philosophers in Greece first came up with four types of love. Storge is the love of a parent to their child and is seen as nurturing and protective. Philia is the love of friendship or connection and was valued most highly in Greek society. Eros is the romantic and erotic love that we most commonly associate with people who are ‘in love’. Agape is not love for a specific person, but rather a more general love often translated into the English word charity. This theme of four loves seems to be prevalent throughout history and even though it fails to describe some forms of love, such as the love a child has for a parent or, the love a person has for objects or activities, it can be very useful in learning how to express our love.
So, all of these ideas and thoughts on love are interesting to think about, but how do they actually apply to our lives?
A good way to apply this is the Relationship Attachment Model or RAM. Displayed below, it shows how to keep a relationship safe and healthy.
The idea is that our relationships proceed from left to right. We first come to know someone, and if that goes well, we start to trust them, and then actually rely on them. The more we rely on someone the more we feel committed to them, and as an innate desire, we display that commitment through touch and intimacy.
When we look at where our love is coming from, it can often help us in all relationships, especially romantic ones. If our love is too focused on eros we will naturally start to push the relationship very quickly towards the touch, and if starts to surpass the other values, it could cause dangerous situations and spell later problems for the relationship because trust and commitment were never fully developed. It is good to follow the natural progression of relationships, keeping in mind that we shouldn’t rely on someone before we trust them, or trust someone before we know.
It seems that we should have all forms of love in our life. Having a love for all people is very important, but we shouldn’t necessarily trust everyone. In close relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners, it is important to have that connective or ‘friendship’ love so we can build up trust, and to help our romantic relationships to grow even furthers we should have a passionate eros-like love to help build to commitment and touch.
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